Love and Heartbreak at 40

                                                    

*Disclaimer: I've been granted permission to share this story. Names have been withheld to protect the individuals.

                        I just want to say I did not imagine that at 40 years old I would still be single and childless. Like I said in previous posts, I desire to be a wife and a mother. As a young girl, I already knew what type of wedding I wanted, I knew how many kids and when I will have kids. I always imagined I would have a fairytale life. As I've grown older I still dream about who my future husband will be and in the past years I've prayed my husband will be exactly like Mide Macauley from the show "Skinny Girl in Transit" https://youtu.be/4r7ZpOEgIJY  (in case you haven't watched it you can catch up on all six seasons and season 7 is currently being filmed). But alas, that hasn't happened so I have to continue to live my life and pray for God's timing.

                                                           

                       I won't lie, single life can be lonely, especially now as I get older. All I long for is companionship. Someone I can share my life with, my day-to-day, we go out on dates, travel together, snuggle up with and even argue from time to time. I desire my homie, lover, and friend. There are often times I cry out to God and ask Him when? There are times I'm willing to take matters into my own hands, but I stop myself because I know in the past when I have rushed things it had only backfired. I'm learning to be still and embrace this season in my life and focus on giving love to the world and myself and in turn one day the love I give will find its way back to me in the form of a partner. Also, I desire to be married once. I would rather wait for the right person than have my time wasted on a time waster. But, I'm not going to lie, sometimes loneliness will lead you down paths you swore you wouldn't go down...

                       I recently reconnected with an old friend, and our friendship has grown quite rapidly. I can say she has become a sister to me. We talk almost every day. My friend is a single mother of two and lives in the same city as me. When we reconnected she was single and was focused on reconnecting with old friends and rebuilding her social life. Especially since she has been focused on her kids and growing her business. We often talk about relationships and our past mistakes and swore we won't go down that path again. During the summer, she told me she met a man and she was a bit sceptical about giving him a chance because he wasn't her usual type and he came off a bit boring. I encouraged her to at least meet him and make a decision after the meeting. Besides,  our type keeps us single. She took my advice and later that week she came back to me full of excitement that he is an amazing person and she is really enjoying getting to know him. I remember we met up for dinner and we went shopping to find her the perfect outfit for a date he had planned. Anyways, as time went on things moved really fast and strong and they were planning to move in together. I remember she called me from the hardware store as she was buying paint to re-paint her bedroom. She would spend hours online looking up furniture to spruce up her place to prepare for him to move in. He loved her kids and her kids loved him. He was amazing. 

                                            I got a call from her last week with the biggest bombshell. My friend is one of 4 other women in a relationship with him. He currently lives with one of his "girlfriends" (the verdict is out if she is a girlfriend or a wife). You can imagine the disappointment, the heartbreak, the pain she has been in these past few days. She feels like a fool because she swore she wouldn't go down this road again. I've had to spend time consoling her and comforting her during this time. The guy even called me to discuss the issues between them. Prior to all of this mess, they had decided to take a step forward in their relationship that would be a major game changer. Once the news came out about his infidelity, she decided not to go ahead with the step forward  He called his friends and family to convince her to still go ahead with the plans they had made. She decides not to and as a result, he has slandered her name and made himself the victim in the situation. He then keeps calling her and making her feel bad for putting him in this situation and how he is the one suffering for all that has gone on. In order to prove he is serious about the relationship he decides to move into her home for one night, bringing old clothing he does not wear anymore to give her the illusion that he is moving in. After spending one night, he calls her the next day to say he doesn't feel safe with her because she had told him he was a bigamist and she could report him to the police if she wanted to. So he is going back to his house (i.e where he lives with his "girlfriend") until he can find his own accommodation. He in the end walks out of the relationship to save his so-called reputation since he is a leader in his church.  She has been so full of regret because at 40 she should have known better. Even when red flags flew she ignored them and she is just distressed about the fact she has been duped. I know God is working on her to transform her story into a beautiful testimony. I know it seems like everything is falling apart, but I believe God is putting those pieces back to create a beautiful masterpiece.

                      There is more to the story but out of respect for my friend, I would save the nitty gritty for her to share with the world when she is ready. 

                     I shared this story because there are many of us out there, who may be in my friend's predicament or similar. Beating himself/herself up for knowing better and not doing better. For allowing ourselves to be back where we first started. I just want to say, learn your lesson and move on. Pick yourself up, forgive yourself and live your life. Sometimes we all need those wake-up calls to remind ourselves that we can't go back to where we used to be. Sometimes it reminds us to learn to be still. Sometimes we needed that lesson because we have become so pompous we think we can't go down that path and bam life finds a way to humble us. Also, when we pray to God to bless us with what we desire, we have to know that the devil also hears our prayers and sometimes our prayers are answered by the devil and not God. It sometimes comes packaged with a big red bow and once we open it,  all hell breaks loose. We have to use wisdom and discern to discern if the gift is from God or from the devil. Another thing I'm learning is to trust our gut. I know she keeps telling me how he reminded her of her ex but he seemed different. Sometimes when a situation shows up that looks familiar, pay attention, and trust your gut. Sometimes life is bringing you back old lessons to see if you have learnt from your past.

                     This has shaken me to the core because it has shaken my trust in men. But I can't believe that all men are the same. I need to trust and believe that my person won't lead me down a path to destruction. I need to believe that by learning from my friends, and family, listening to advice and leaning into God's voice I will make decisions that are best for me. Trust my gut, when it's right to go forward when it's wrong I don't push my desire to put me in a serious predicament. My simple prayer to God is that whoever you are going to bless me with, I pray you clear his path of any distraction. If my future husband has a girlfriend at the moment, then Lord makes sure he finishes it off with her completely before he comes my way. I do not need any man driving me to CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health Hospital)

                    To all my single 40-plus people out there or to my 40-plus individuals in similar situations, you are not beyond redemption. Your story can and will change. You are not a fool to have fallen prey to someone's deceitful ways. It was a lesson learnt, learn and move on. This is not how your story ends. Believe your story will serve as a testimony to others. To my single 40-plus, if you desire marriage and children, it will happen. To my Nigerian movie fans, Rita Dominic got married for the first time at 47 years old this past weekend. Porsha Williams had a fairytale marriage at 42 to the love of her life. Although it was her second marriage she found love. As long as we have breath, our time will come. Don't force timing, and don't take matters into your own hands. Trust that God is not asleep and in His perfect timing God will make your story beautiful. Your person may be in a relationship and things may be falling apart and eventually, they will walk away and walk straight to you. Maybe the person is being prepared for you and has to learn some lessons in order to come ready for you. You might be the person God is working on. But your time will come and when it does it won't have a horrible end. 

Trust His timing!

sending love and light

xoxo

A.P.W