F is for...

Good evening Blogosphere,

One thing I know I have struggled with for the longest time is forgiveness. I know I walk around claiming to have truly forgiven someone but, deep down in my heart I am waiting for the day where I will get restitution for the  pain that person caused me.  I long to see karma wrap its arms around a person who has hurt me and then I will have the last laugh. But, if I am being absolutely honest, I don't think I want to carry that weight around me no more. It's bad enough I'm carrying weight in my belly because I do not know how to put a donut down lol but why carry extra weight in my heart, my spirit, soul and body because someone chose to hurt me deliberately or undeliberately and then I sit around dealing with it for the rest of my life.

What brought me to this place was , a lot has been happening to me for a while now. As much as I claim that I let things go; recently I have become ultra sensitive to a lot of things. I sit here and claim that I have been transformed because I have  a closer relationship with God, but deep down I am still carrying the chains of hurt and pain from past hurts. A lot of things have been coming to head and I am really seeing the effects in my body. Especially with this autoimmune condition my flare ups are off the chain. I may not share it with my family about my constant flare ups but I know is because I am harbouring a lot of unforgiveness in my heart.

A lot has happened these past few weeks or maybe even longer and I don't want to go into detail about it but , my sister has been getting an earful of what has been going on. I mean to the point where the least thing irritates the hell out of me. Let the bus be two seconds late and I am on a tirade. It got so bad I sent an email to the mayor of the city to complain about the incompetence of the transit system (Although TTC does really suck but damn girl it ain't that deep). Let me get an annoying text or email and trust me it will be the bane of my irritation all day. I may not walk around with a screw face on. I think I have been very good at acting like everything is good because I don't want to come off as bitter. Bu,t trust me it is doing a number on  me and I am beginning to see that. I am currently in a stage in my life where my life seems stagnant. Life is moving extremely slow, there is no change in my situation. It is the same monotonous tone each day and I'm ready to see some drastic changes.

This morning, it was my turn to read in church, so I just so happened to get to church super early, my priest notices I'm here early and decides to come chat. Anyways, my sister had already filled her in on some of the things I had been going through so she asked me about it and she gave me some words of encouragement. Anyways oddly enough everything that I was going through was actually the passage I was reading in church and her sermon surprisingly was geared towards my issues.She told me not to lose heart and to keep on keeping praying and having faith. Another elder in our church who was standing by whilst my priest and I spoke decides to engage me in conversation he assured me that everything I am going through is for a purpose and God has a plan and I need not stress or worry. I felt like God was speaking to me today.

This evening, I was watching the Book of John Gray John Gray is a pastor at Lakewood Church in Texas. Lakewood is Joel Osteen's church. And he shares his life with the viewers and his struggles or demons, his home life whilst he pastors his flock and helps people with their day to day issues. Anyways today, he was helping a couple who had gone through some infidelity and were struggling with it.The one thing John Gray told the lady was , that if you are going to forgive you have to forgive to the point like it never happened. Now how can you forgive someone to the point it never happened? How can I look a person in the eye that has hurt me to my white meat and beyond and say you know what, we good, I ain't mad at you no more. Ummm no, its nice to say but in reality it is hard to do. After hearing him say that I realized that I have been giving out partial, conditional forgiveness but not truly forgiving someone to the point like it never happened. That is why my flare ups are out of control because of the conditional forgiveness that I am harbouring. Immediately I opened the bible app and searched devotionals on forgiveness.

I need to truly forgive the man that sexually molested me as a child and I harboured that guilt for years, I need to forgive the men from my past that left me when I truly loved them and ended up with other people. I have to forgive anyone that truly did me dirty in my past or in present deliberately. I need to forgive the last guy that I gave my heart to for going ghost when I stuck by his side during the hardest time in his life. I needed to forgive friends that I stood by and loved wholeheartedly but left me hanging. I needed to forgive myself for hurting my body and not loving myself enough to let go and truly let God heal me.

I have to learn to forgive unconditionally, because if God chose to forgive me or anyone conditionally I mean we would have been screwed. He states in the bible not sure where but when he forgives he removes your sin from the book of life and remembers them no more. If God can forgive me for my sins regardless of what they are and not remember them anymore...this all knowing God, can do that, then why can't I? Why  can't I let go of those who hurt me and forgive them whether they asked for it or not?



Before I close my eyes to go to sleep, I am tired of carrying this weight around me. I am tired of sitting in epsom salts every night to sooth my boils because I am getting a flare up. I am tired of thinking of the hurt and the pain that someone caused me and then being the bigger person and not reacting or confronting then but  pretending like everything is good  but deep down I'm harbouring some ill feelings towards them. I am tired and I am done. I am taking action and letting go and letting forgiveness wash over all my hurts and pains and I am going to remember them no more.

Sending you love and light
xoxo
A.P.W