The Revolving Door

Happy New Year!!!,

Yes, I'm late... but as you know there is a cold and flu virus going around and it struck me on New Year's Eve and I stayed in bed until the following week. Therefore, my plans to start the first of the year achieving my goals came to a standstill. It reminds me that we think we are in real control of our lives but the truth is, God is really in control of our lives. "Man proposes God disposes"' Now I am back to being me and I've been back to my normal life but today is Wednesday I'm here, in bed, it's my day off and I'm here starting my day writing to you. 

                               

2017 is over and we are in the 3rd week of the year and the month and before the year ended I decided to start clearing out anyone or anything that isn't bringing me peace in 2018. So I decided to close all my online dating profiles because I realized that you know what in the last few months I've had guys come and go in my life and it felt like a revolving door. You don't even get comfortable enough and then he is gone. I don't even have the opportunity to learn his quirks and he is gone. It is like double dutch, you wait for the rope to get into the rhythm and then the minute you jump in and you happily skipping to the rhythm of the rope then your feet get tangled in it and next thing you know the sequence is off and you have to start again. That has been my life these past few months. 

I started talking to a guy outside of the country that seemed like he was interested in getting to know me. We even planned a trip to meet halfway between our homes so we could finally meet in person.  I was finally thinking wow there could be potential here though there. I said you know what, let me focus on him and see if we can make it work.  I am here to tell you he came into my 2018 and then left as quickly as he came in. 

The truth is I am tired of getting excited about a guy, any guy. I am tired of meeting a guy, he walks in with all his pomp and pageantry.  I start to feel hopeful and then the minute I am about to get settled in and get used to his presence he ups and leaves. You know it feels like you have been handed this big slice of chocolate cake. It's moist and soft and the icing has the right amount. You take one bite and you just have a foodgasm and just when you are about to have another taste the plate is taken from you. And it keeps happening, eventually when a piece of cake is handed to sisterhood either refuse the plate or you look at it sideways because you are anticipating it being taken from you. That's how I feel. 

Yes, people will say oohhh they are not the ones, just be patient the right one is coming yada yada yada. People say oh you overlooked the red flags, you didn't pay attention to the signs he wasn't the one. But to be honest , sometimes its not about avoiding the red flags, its not about ignoring your gut but we as human beings when you have been looking for someone or something for so long and its placed in front of you, you don't want to look at it sideways and think that thing has the wrong intentions. It just means that you want to stay hopeful and believe that sometimes things can turn around and change.  Situations change, people change. Your sister, cousin, friend, was in a similar boat and then things changed so why can't it happen for you.

Anyways, I am at the point in my life that if a guy walks into my life and I have the high alert on. I am so sceptical of any guy that walks in that I have one foot in and one foot out. I am always ready to hit the block delete button on my phone when they do the least thing. I've been told by loved ones that I need to be patient and not be so quick to cut a person off.  But then when your bullshit radar is up you do not have time to waste on someone who isn't going at your pace. Today as I watched Joyce Meyer's Confident Woman preaching she mentioned that if you have expectations that if I have no good expectations I won't be disappointed if this person disappoints. It made me realize that recently, I'm already expecting the worst from any guy that comes into my life.  So the minute they make one mistake I'm like there you go I knew it was going to happen and I'm ready to walk out that door.  But, if I carry such negative expectations I will end up passing up on a good one just because I have already pegged that person to disappoint. 

I met a guy a few months ago online, he messaged me first and the minute I saw his picture I already said this guy is a heartbreaker.  He is just going to disappoint me. I wasn't ready to even give him the time of day. When he told me he wanted to meet him, I remember I told my mentor that a guy like that what would he want with me He is just going to break my heart, he looks muscular and most likely likes a girl who is an Instagram model. She told me that don't you think you are beautiful enough or you are a great person that you can't attract a man like that. Besides, maybe he wants a woman like you and not an Instagram model. Right there and then I already had negative expectations. So I'm learning that I can't go into a relationship or meet someone and already have one foot out the door because I am expecting him to disappoint.

I believe that the problem with today and it is not news to anyone that social media and online dating has left us all in an instant gratification world. We also know that our options have grown. Yes we know that if this one person isn't what we want we can move onto the next person. We all lack patience.  I have to work at keeping this person, Nah its too much work, time to move onto someone who can make it easy for me. Ohh a guy isn't giving me daily attention let me go online and find someone who can. 10 year ago, when we were not sliding into DMs and meeting someone online was still taboo, we were focused on the 6 degrees of separation. We were relying on our inner circles our places of work, our neighbourhoods to meet people. Rarely were we focused on people online. So when you met someone you put in the work to make it work. Your options were not that many. But now, I can go online and a man in a different part of the country or world can message me so I'm exposed to more people than before. So the minute one guy isn't doing it for me I can move onto the next. The same with guys. "Oohh Adjoa ain't giving it up let me hit up Jennifer she will give it to me". Therefore, there is never a time when a person is willing to settle down. 

On Sunday I went to dinner with a group of ladies, Black, Caucasian, Asian women. With the exception of one lady we were all single and in our mid-thirties. We sat around the table over, pasta and pizza and we all shared our dating woes. Our voices rang in unison as we all agreed that dating in 2018 is definitely not for the faint of heart.  By the end of the night although we were strangers we left as a sisterhood. We left hopeful but sad. Hopeful that yes we were not the problem. If we ever questioned that we were the problem when it came to dating we were not because, it doesn't matter what colour you are we all faced the same issue, being found by a good guy has become extremely difficult. 

Anyways I don't want to go on and on about the woes of being single and the revolving door, but one thing I have learned is that, at the end of the day, as long as I stay focused on God and on my goals and continue to be a good person or try to be a good person, life has a way of opening doors and if  that door is not mine to open, God will open a door that will be more than enough, also that I need to be more patient. I shouldn't be so quick to close a door because  I am scared of getting hurt that one wrong move will cost me my heart. Someone told me once if a guy blocked and deleted my number if I didn't return his call or respond to his text message would I like that? If I told a guy that yes I find him attractive and I want to sleep with him and he thought that's all I wanted from him and he blocked my number how would I feel?| I have to learn to communicate how I feel, I can't expect someone to read my mind. Speak what I want and desire and the one willing to give me that will stay.

So yeah dating in 2018 feels like a chore, it is a revolving door but at the end of the day, Pastor Mike from Transformation Church said maximise your singleness. Focus on this time to work on your purpose, enjoy our season of singleness, do all that we want to do. Go on the trip, write that book, take yourself on dates, visit your friends, take that course, do things you need to do that is difficult to do when you are responsible for others.  Even Adam was busy in the Garden of Eden and when God saw that there was no one to help him in the garden he sent Eve. Ruth was busy gleaning and God sent Boaz. So focus on you and at the right time, God will send forth that person.

Sending you love and light

xoxo

A.P.W