I have a confession!!

Hello, my fellow readers,
As you guys have noticed, it has been awhile since I put out a blog. And to be honest every day I feel like I am slacking and I need to put something out there. There have been all these things happening from Black Panther, to Safaree, to Parkdale, that should have inspired a blog piece. Every day I have tried to come up with something but alas nothing. So I have to be honest this is my confession.  I have had no motivation or inspiration to write about anything. I said it and it's out.

I have an imagination so wild and crazy you would think that I am overflowing with things to write about and the truth is I feel like I am stagnant. Nothing is motivating me to write and to be honest it bothers me so much. I am in a place in my life at the moment where nothing inspires me. I come home from work and all I want to do is sleep. I haven't been inspired to go to the gym, I haven't been inspired to even put my laundry away. I just put all my energy into work and I don't have time to do anything. I have all these ideas and things I wanna do but to pick myself up and do it, is hard enough.

I know I am so hard on myself and I was told that it is because I put so much pressure on myself  I end up feeling stuck and not inspired. I have all these things I write down goals and dreams, I pray about it every night but the motivation to make things happen is not there. I  was told by my therapist and yes I see a therapist that I always go from 0-100. I don't know the in between. I want something I want it to happen now and I am scared to go through the process. I get frustrated when I take little steps and I don't see value in it because I feel I haven't done much but the fact that I made the one step is a big deal than not making a step at all.

Another reason why I put so much pressure on myself and then I end up in a rut is that I often see myself as being at a particular station in life and since I am not there I get frustrated and annoyed and then I'm like forget it. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like that before. But the truth is, I am a work in progress. I guess writing this blog today is a step. I've always wanted to keep it real with my readers. My life is not this fantasy world. I don't have all my shit together. I am not living this glamorous life. Sometimes I think to myself on how far behind I feel I am. I sometimes feel like I've missed the boat and then I get scared and start to panic. I smile and laugh a lot and my co-workers are like why are you so cheery but the truth is sometimes I have to put on the show in order to survive the day. But I'm learning each day that God is with me and that God wants me to be in this exact spot at this exact moment so that I understand what this journey is about. I can't rush life and this process because I have a timeline. If I don't feel inspired to write it doesn't mean my gift or talent has been taken away it just means what it is, I'm in a rut but it is not a forever rut and I will get out of it.

                      Recently my girls and I came up with an idea, one of them is not on board yet but I still plan to carry it through so I'm asking you guys to bear with me as we work at making this idea a reality. But as of right now I pray that God inspires me to get out of this rut. Maybe my upcoming trip will give me the boost I need to go after the things I want.
As I was writing this, this came to mind, I have accomplished a lot in the first 3 months of the year, but I am so focused on the big things I can't even notice the small victories I've made. I really need to learn to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.
I'm trying hard not to be so hard on myself and I ask you, my readers, to pray for me to enjoy the ride in life. To count my blessings, to count my victories no matter how small so I can appreciate the destination when I get there.

Sending you love and light.
xoxo
A.P.W