Authentically me!

About two weeks ago, I had to get a vacuum attached to my wound. My surgeon said it will be the fastest way to heal. If you are not familiar with this type of treatment here is the coles notes to explain. It is a tube with a suction cup that is attached to the wound and it suctions, fluids from your it through a tube into a machine. I have to carry around this machine in a little bag like a handbag. If you see me you would think I'm carrying a little purse until you see the tubes coming from my backside. The beauty is I have to use it for about 4-6 weeks, which is great because that shortens the recovery time as opposed to 3-6 months.  It is not fun having to deal with it,  because it is cumbersome. Tripping on the tubes sometimes forgetting I am attached to it and it often pulls me back when I forget to carry the machine. But a small price to pay for a faster recovery.

                                                           

                                                   

I remember the first time they put it on, I had to walk around with it and I felt super self-conscious. I felt unattractive, I did not feel sexy. I felt like I was this person who just had a big sign that said damaged goods. I didn't like it at all. I remember I told my friend because we had to attend an event that I am sure nobody would want to approach me because I look like a bag of issues. She had to reassure me that anybody who isn't willing to talk to me because of that isn't someone you want to talk to anyways.  Eventually, after going out a few times I realized that I was my own obstacle. The event by the way I was approached by many people because they were interested in what I had to say as opposed to me being unattractive to avoid. 

                                                     

This really had me thinking... in the era of social media where perfection is personified, we spend our time on social media looking at people who post their "perfect lives" fitness models showing off bodies we wish we had. The perfect couples, the traveller who hits up every country, the entrepreneur who is making waves in their industry, the family with the beautiful children. Everyone seems to be moving along in life and sometimes as an individual, your life seems stagnant. You seem to be going backwards instead of forward. I will speak for myself. It's like one drama after or another. If I am not having surgery, then I am battling the autoimmune condition. My body just doesn't seem to get the message that we are trying to lose weight. I get more rejection letters than acceptance with regards to job applications. I talk to my mom and I'm like its one thing or another when is my blessing coming? I recently spoke to my therapist because I just couldn't handle it anymore. She said Adjoa, what are you waiting to be a perfect size, or be wealthy, or have no issues before you get all you deserve? Come on, everyone has something going on and nobody is at the point of perfection. Why do you have to front like everything is good? A lot of people show you what they want you to see but trust me you are better off than a lot. 

The fitness model didn't' squat her way to the nice body. Sometimes, they had to get nips and tucks to get the body they proudly display. The entrepreneur you see doesn't even know where their next meal or payday is coming from some days. The perfect couple, took 2 mins out of their tumultuous relationship to pose for the gram. As my mom always says everyone has a but.

One thing I definitely I have learnt with wearing this vacuum, the very thing I thought would hold me back was not holding me back. I was holding me back. I thought I wasn't worthy of being approached but by me being authentically me, people still approached me, people actually admired me that I didn't let this thing keep me from doing what I had to do. I even went to boot camp yesterday and could keep up with all those without attachments. 

Honestly, who am I trying to impress? Who am I trying to show that I've got my stuff together? And honestly who really cares? In a  world where fakeness reigns supreme, I think we are all seeking real and authenticity. One thing I realized, being someone else was more exhausting than being me. It felt like holding my breath for more than I  should. So you know what? I finally let go and exhaled.

                                                       

Exhaling from now on

xoxo

A.P.W