This is 40

   I was scared to turn forty. If I must admit, forty for me represented failure. Left behind, shrivelled up and too late. I prayed every night that the things I desired most such as; marriage, children, complete healing from Hidradenitis Suppurativa and career success will all happen before my fortieth birthday. 40 seemed dreadful and I was anxious to see forty. But thank God for perspective. Someone close to me I confided in, made me see the beauty of 40. His story was similar to mine and he also faced the fear of entering his forties nine years ago. But alas, once he embraced it, and his perspective changed, his forties were a beautiful decade. He focused on attaining what is important:- peace, joy, happiness, love, understanding, confidence, growth, contentment, gratefulness, forgiveness personal relationship with Christ and perspective.

In this big beautiful ball we live on, we have allowed society to tell us that, materialism, marriage, children, and career is what bring you happiness. Being a woman of  West African descent, unless you are married with children you have no worth. For the longest time, my focus was on the things I didn't have instead of focusing on what  I did have before me. Having gained perspective, I started to embrace entering my 40s and I honestly got excited about it. 

I had planned that for my 40th birthday instead of having a party my wedding reception was going to be my birthday celebration. I shared the date with my nearest and dearest, saved it on my phone and set a reminder to remind me of the day. Every day I would pray hard that I would be getting married on my 40th. As the days and months went by I came to the conclusion it wasn't going to happen. I then proceeded to plan how I was going to celebrate my birthday. The more I planned toward celebrating the more I got excited and realized how I actually preferred to celebrate my birthday instead of pressuring myself to have a wedding. For my birthday weekend, we ended up flying to Florida to spend it with family and close friends. I couldn't have asked for a better way. I remember laying by the pool in my sister's house and my alarm went off reminding me that it was my wedding day. I looked at it smiled and turned it off.

Turning 40 didn't mean my desires got turned off. If anything I desire it even more than ever. But, what is different is that 40 means that now the choices I make will be made with wisdom and discernment. I can enjoy my life as it is and be open to new beginnings. I made the choice that once I  turned 40 I would live my life with childlike exuberance. I want to find joy in every little thing. I want to be excited about every new thing and old thing. I don't want to feel like I'm old and I've missed my prime. I've learned that women in their 40s their libidos are higher and I'm like damn that means I'm about to have the best and hottest sex now. Isn't that exciting! I don't have to wear the weight of people's opinions anymore because I've realized they don't pay my bills. I also do not have to carry the weight of people's problems anymore. 

I'm excited about my new decade. I know that it doesn't mean life will be perfect, it doesn't mean that it will be champagne and roses. But it means I can pop champagne whenever I want without waiting for a reason. I can buy myself roses just because and not wait for that special person to buy them for me. Not that it stopped me in my thirties. But I must admit in my 30s, I waited so much for reasons to live and I missed out on opportunities. Now I am realizing that I don't need a reason. Every day being alive is a reason. I made a promise to myself that I am going to embrace my femininity now. I'm going to wear pretty dresses, and wear heels. Look like a rich aunty and eventually a rich wife and a rich mama. I'm going to give myself permission to live. This is 40 and I'm going to make the most out of it!