Forgiving Myself through Love
Hey guys its me again! So winter came haaarrrrdddd this weekend. For all those in town for all star weekend and have to brave the cold; Good Luck! Today I cancelled all appointments, gave up on groceries and placing myself on my couch in my footed pj's and watching the day pass by watching sappy rom coms on tv, since that is all that is showing for Val's day weekend.
Before I continue, Happy Val's day to everyone out there. To the couples, the singles, the parents, the alone, no matter what your status is, remember that you are loved and even if you think you have no one to love you, God loves you and you must love yourself too. Don't let the commercialization of the day bring you down. I haven't had a valentine ever but what I learn every year is that, I don't need to have a valentine to remind me of how special I am or how loved I am, but I am surrounded by love all around and most importantly I must love me first.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to a talk on healthy relationships, organized by the YMCA a black history month group. Although, the weather wasn't favourable, I went and it really inspired me. There was a guest speaker, Karlyn Percil, those in Canada might have heard about her. A young black woman from St Lucia who has written books about self love and from her own experience can talk about letting go and allow yourself to love. Now in this world, you can walk into any bookstore or on any website, or go on YouTube , blogs or just tune into the OWN channel on TV and there is always some one talking about self love, and how to find love, and love, love, love, love. I mean everywhere we go we hear some expert talking about love. What made Karlyn different at least for me was that the person she was before is the person I feel I am today. I carry on as the toughest girl in the world. But I don't realize that I cover a lot of my emotions through either laughing it off or complaining about stuff. I sometimes let things build up and build up until the smallest thing happens and I explode. I have friends and even my boss telling me to let go. Let go. My co worker sometimes at work sings the let it go song from frozen to me sometimes whenever she feels I am about to fall off the deep end. My boss sometimes shouts from his office, Adjoa let it go!. So listening to her I realized I have to let go. I have to really let it go.
I am an over thinker, I take the smallest thing and turn it into the worst case scenario in my head. Or I can take one little thing and turn it into the best case scenario and then when it doesn't happen when its supposed to happen I am disappointed. I am also a planner, if you look at my phone, I put so many things in my phone calendar. I need to plan my life. I need to know which restaurant I'm going to before hand and look up the menu before I go. If I am going somewhere and I know weeks in advance, I have to know how long the journey will be so I can decide what time I will leave home e and get there super early. When it comes to work, I get to work an hour before my shift. That is who I am. With regards to jobs, I plan and say ooh by such and such month I will be in a new job and when I am not I feel like a failure. When I like a guy, and he isn't making the moves I want him to make I get upset, because in my mind, I have already planned life and he is not moving fast enough. The reality is that dude might not even know I fancy him or exist. I am really hard on myself and I've often thought about why do I do that to myself. People compliment me on my look or something I've done and instead of saying thank you, I have to find something negative to say about myself. Or make a joke to off set the nice thing someone said. Anyways, so why do I do that, I don't know? But what I know is that, I have realized that I don't love myself enough, I don't see my own self worth. Yes I know I deserve to be treated well. I deserve, to find love with a good man. I know I deserve a good job, but I need to let go and realize that I really do deserve it. Instead of thinking I do. Thinking and knowing are two different things. You can think you deserve something, or you think you can do something, but you have to know you can or you deserve something.
So back to Karlyn, she mentioned that she had to learn, to not be afraid to ask for what she wants, or to go after what she wants. She had to learn that just because someone doesn't want the same thing for you or with you does not mean you are not deserving. It's moving on and finding what you want and deserve. You have to learn to forgive yourself for mistakes, to forgive for things that happened in your past even if its not your fault. At that point in time you did the best you could. If someone hurt you, let it go forgive them and forgive yourself. Life happens, You pick yourself up and you move on. Go for what you want, go for what you deserve. Love is a powerful tool and if you can't love yourself,then how do you expect others to?
Karlyn quoted the poet Rumi and forgive me if I get it wrong, but he said don't chase love but remove the blocks that prevents love from coming to you. As I said, I might be totally wrong on the quote but its along those lines. We are too focused on finding love, and chasing after it instead of removing obstacles that prevent love from finding us. Put yourself first, love you first. Know your self worth.
Not all of us are going to look like Beyonce, please nobody can look like Beyonce just Beyonce, you might not be the most successful person in the world. You might be 33 like me and still living at home with your parents or with your sister not a boyfriend in sight and no children in the forecast. It does not mean that you are not worthy of all of that, it just means that you need to focus on you, and working on you and being the best version of you. That means, you just need to do things that you need to do at that point in time. If you live at home, then maybe you can take advantage of the extra money you have and save to purchase your own home one day, If you are not in a relationship just yet, then its time you take yourself out on dates with yourself and enjoy your time alone. If you are waiting for that guy or girl to come so you go on that romantic holiday, then you may never go. Know that you deserve that trip and just go on your own. If you want to be a mother but you are not a mother yet, then maybe its time to be the best auntie to your nieces and nephews. By doing that, you start to see how blessed you are and how deserving you are of the things you want and deserve.
So this valentine's day weekend, I am going to love me first, I am going to accept me for me and love me through my flaws, through my past, through my mistakes. I am not going to be afraid, to ask for what I want. I am not going to go chase after love, but remove my stumbling blocks. I am going to just enjoy being the person that I am. I am going to be my own Beyonce, I am the most deserving person in my world. Shooo1 even Beyonce is not perfect. I believe, by doing all that, I am going to attract the best for me.
One last thing ladies, for my single ladies out there, it is ok to ask for what you want from a man. If you demand respect, and chivalry and you are not getting that, then my dear, lift your head up high, say thank you very much and keep on walking. If you want to be treated like a queen and a man wants to treat you like a lowly peasant then its time to say goodbye. Even the lowliest of peasants deserve to be treated like a Queen. But, if you want to be treated like a Queen but yet refuse to treat a man like a King, then my dear you cannot blame the man from walking away too.
I am loving me today and onward, so ladies and gentleman, let it go, remove the stumbling blocks, and let love find you, and don't forget to ask for what you want.
Happy Valentine's day folks,
Lots of love
A.P.W
Before I continue, Happy Val's day to everyone out there. To the couples, the singles, the parents, the alone, no matter what your status is, remember that you are loved and even if you think you have no one to love you, God loves you and you must love yourself too. Don't let the commercialization of the day bring you down. I haven't had a valentine ever but what I learn every year is that, I don't need to have a valentine to remind me of how special I am or how loved I am, but I am surrounded by love all around and most importantly I must love me first.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to a talk on healthy relationships, organized by the YMCA a black history month group. Although, the weather wasn't favourable, I went and it really inspired me. There was a guest speaker, Karlyn Percil, those in Canada might have heard about her. A young black woman from St Lucia who has written books about self love and from her own experience can talk about letting go and allow yourself to love. Now in this world, you can walk into any bookstore or on any website, or go on YouTube , blogs or just tune into the OWN channel on TV and there is always some one talking about self love, and how to find love, and love, love, love, love. I mean everywhere we go we hear some expert talking about love. What made Karlyn different at least for me was that the person she was before is the person I feel I am today. I carry on as the toughest girl in the world. But I don't realize that I cover a lot of my emotions through either laughing it off or complaining about stuff. I sometimes let things build up and build up until the smallest thing happens and I explode. I have friends and even my boss telling me to let go. Let go. My co worker sometimes at work sings the let it go song from frozen to me sometimes whenever she feels I am about to fall off the deep end. My boss sometimes shouts from his office, Adjoa let it go!. So listening to her I realized I have to let go. I have to really let it go.
I am an over thinker, I take the smallest thing and turn it into the worst case scenario in my head. Or I can take one little thing and turn it into the best case scenario and then when it doesn't happen when its supposed to happen I am disappointed. I am also a planner, if you look at my phone, I put so many things in my phone calendar. I need to plan my life. I need to know which restaurant I'm going to before hand and look up the menu before I go. If I am going somewhere and I know weeks in advance, I have to know how long the journey will be so I can decide what time I will leave home e and get there super early. When it comes to work, I get to work an hour before my shift. That is who I am. With regards to jobs, I plan and say ooh by such and such month I will be in a new job and when I am not I feel like a failure. When I like a guy, and he isn't making the moves I want him to make I get upset, because in my mind, I have already planned life and he is not moving fast enough. The reality is that dude might not even know I fancy him or exist. I am really hard on myself and I've often thought about why do I do that to myself. People compliment me on my look or something I've done and instead of saying thank you, I have to find something negative to say about myself. Or make a joke to off set the nice thing someone said. Anyways, so why do I do that, I don't know? But what I know is that, I have realized that I don't love myself enough, I don't see my own self worth. Yes I know I deserve to be treated well. I deserve, to find love with a good man. I know I deserve a good job, but I need to let go and realize that I really do deserve it. Instead of thinking I do. Thinking and knowing are two different things. You can think you deserve something, or you think you can do something, but you have to know you can or you deserve something.
So back to Karlyn, she mentioned that she had to learn, to not be afraid to ask for what she wants, or to go after what she wants. She had to learn that just because someone doesn't want the same thing for you or with you does not mean you are not deserving. It's moving on and finding what you want and deserve. You have to learn to forgive yourself for mistakes, to forgive for things that happened in your past even if its not your fault. At that point in time you did the best you could. If someone hurt you, let it go forgive them and forgive yourself. Life happens, You pick yourself up and you move on. Go for what you want, go for what you deserve. Love is a powerful tool and if you can't love yourself,then how do you expect others to?
Karlyn quoted the poet Rumi and forgive me if I get it wrong, but he said don't chase love but remove the blocks that prevents love from coming to you. As I said, I might be totally wrong on the quote but its along those lines. We are too focused on finding love, and chasing after it instead of removing obstacles that prevent love from finding us. Put yourself first, love you first. Know your self worth.
Not all of us are going to look like Beyonce, please nobody can look like Beyonce just Beyonce, you might not be the most successful person in the world. You might be 33 like me and still living at home with your parents or with your sister not a boyfriend in sight and no children in the forecast. It does not mean that you are not worthy of all of that, it just means that you need to focus on you, and working on you and being the best version of you. That means, you just need to do things that you need to do at that point in time. If you live at home, then maybe you can take advantage of the extra money you have and save to purchase your own home one day, If you are not in a relationship just yet, then its time you take yourself out on dates with yourself and enjoy your time alone. If you are waiting for that guy or girl to come so you go on that romantic holiday, then you may never go. Know that you deserve that trip and just go on your own. If you want to be a mother but you are not a mother yet, then maybe its time to be the best auntie to your nieces and nephews. By doing that, you start to see how blessed you are and how deserving you are of the things you want and deserve.
So this valentine's day weekend, I am going to love me first, I am going to accept me for me and love me through my flaws, through my past, through my mistakes. I am not going to be afraid, to ask for what I want. I am not going to go chase after love, but remove my stumbling blocks. I am going to just enjoy being the person that I am. I am going to be my own Beyonce, I am the most deserving person in my world. Shooo1 even Beyonce is not perfect. I believe, by doing all that, I am going to attract the best for me.
One last thing ladies, for my single ladies out there, it is ok to ask for what you want from a man. If you demand respect, and chivalry and you are not getting that, then my dear, lift your head up high, say thank you very much and keep on walking. If you want to be treated like a queen and a man wants to treat you like a lowly peasant then its time to say goodbye. Even the lowliest of peasants deserve to be treated like a Queen. But, if you want to be treated like a Queen but yet refuse to treat a man like a King, then my dear you cannot blame the man from walking away too.
I am loving me today and onward, so ladies and gentleman, let it go, remove the stumbling blocks, and let love find you, and don't forget to ask for what you want.
Happy Valentine's day folks,
Lots of love
A.P.W
Wow, i can't believe i haven't read this before today. So beautifully said and so true. Something i want to add is that, we always need to come to this realization by ourselves because sometimes, no matter how many people tell us we need to love ourselves and that we are worth it, if we don't see that, we will always sabotage ourselves. Self-love is very important and when we know better we do better. Thanks Panyin. This is truly lovely
ReplyDeleteThanks G!!! Trust me still a work in progress but everyday it gets better.
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