Signs of letting Go!!!

Hey Guys,
Hello from Sunny Accra, well it is not sunny it's late at the moment so its dark. Yes, I am in Ghana. I came for health reasons and my parents have decided to hold me hostage and keep me here longer than I had planned. Well, their reasoning is that since I've been in town I've been sick and also because I came for herbal treatment they want to see me healed first before I go. So well I guess I am in Ghana for an extra 2 weeks but who is complaining. It's winter in Canada so I might as well stay in the heat enjoy it get a nice tan, get some good food and love from my family and then head back to Canada satisfied and refreshed. Anyways, I am not here to talk about my health issues or my trip to Ghana, that I will save for my next blog but there is something that I've been saying I will talk about once I get an answer and I've decided to talk about it.

I have, to be honest, this particular blog has been plaguing me. I wanted to really write about it but I didn't also want to write it. I wanted to keep it to myself but one thing I've always said is that I will be open and honest at all times and also let people know that they are not alone in their situation. But I was also afraid how people will see me or think of me or that  I'm being too personal. Yesterday, I met up with some very close friends and I was telling them my dilemma about writing this blog and the ladies told me to write it in past tense, which makes sense because it is in the past and then my male friend said you want to have people relate just write it. You don't have to be afraid to talk about it. It happened it is a lesson for you and it's a lesson for others. Just write like you are telling us now don't be afraid. It is natural it happens and people want to know because there is someone out there who is going through the same thing and needs to hear your story in order to make certain decisions. So here it goes....

Well last year, I met someone, reluctantly. I met him online at a time when I was thinking of closing my online dating profile and just living my life and minding my business. When he first appeared in my matches it was a bit weird because he does not live in my city or in my country so I didn't understand why they made him a match. Anyways, I wasn't interested in him but I always had that still small voice urging me to respond to his messages. The more I resisted the more the voice kept prompting me to respond. Anyway, I remember I told my girlfriend about him and she said hey give him a chance you never know. So I gave him a chance. The more I spoke to him the more I grew to find him interesting. He was very patient with me. Even when I had my guard up he was very patient. Very attentive, very kind, very sweet. He was everything I had prayed for and wanted without me even realising it. Things progressed and we made plans to meet. Unfortunately when the time for us to meet something came up and that couldn't happen. I thought he was catfishing me but then I realised he wasn't or at least I think he was not. Something very traumatic happened in his life that shook us all up. It was so sudden and unexpected. I barely knew this man, but regardless of what I was going through, ie, recovering from my surgery, my job loss, I put those aside and gave him my full attention and support. I didn't care that I was going through my own issues he became paramount. Unfortunately because of what he was going through he became distant.  I would message him, try and call him, send him emails, bible passages no response. It would take him days to respond or weeks. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew that what He had gone through he was dealing with it. Anyway, once I had recovered, I took a trip to go visit him because I knew he wasn't in the right state of mind to travel. When I went, we saw each other, had an amazing time together. It felt like we were meant to be. At least I was feeling like that, I thought he felt the same way too. He made my time with him magical. I fell so hard for him I knew that he was my one. Anyways after an amazing time with him, I came back and he got even more distant. He kept in touch barely and when I would go silent he would reach out. But I was thinking it all had to do with grief. I was praying for him constantly. I was sending him bible passages, prayers, I would send him voice notes praying. Emails, gifts, whatever I could do to be supportive. I felt helpless because I lived far away so I didn't have the luxury of being there physically to support him. Trust me, I wanted to grieve with him. Show him how much I am there for him and I was constantly reminding him I had his back. But the more I tried to draw close the more he pulled away. I just kept saying it was grief. Whenever he did reach out he would send a message it was always some kind of reminder that he was grieving. He stopped asking me how I was, it became all about him.  I was very forgiving and patient because I knew what he was going through.  I couldn't share things about my life with him because I felt he wouldn't care because I said he was grieving.

Eventually, I started to question was this God's will for me? Is this what God has for me? I was praying and fasting, watching religious shows, looking for a sign from God. Every time I started to have doubts, I would watch a preaching, or read a bible passage that will encourage me to keep going. Sometimes people would randomly message me and remind me to keep having faith God was in control. I believed so much that this was part of being in a relationship. You have to go through the hard times in order to go through the good times. I also believed that God was taken us through this so that His glory will shine brightly in the end when we overcame this hurdle and we will give such a testimony and have doubters renew their faith in Christ. Trust me I was fighting this battle on my knees and trusting God that this too shall pass and this will be one for the books. But as time went on, the more I prayed the more distant he got. But the good thing was, even though I was praying for things to change, I also asked God for His will to be done. If this wasn't His will He should release us in peace and love let us both walk away and walk towards who God had for us. But if it was His will may it all work out beautifully.

Anyways, the more I prayed the more distant he got, It didn't matter how many times I declared it that we will work it out and we will get married, things were not changing. I started to expect less and less from him. Even things like him greeting me I stopped expecting it so when he did it became a surprise. The odd thing was, I started having dreams, and you know God isn't going to give you dreams that are clear cut where He is like no this is not for you let go. He is going to give you dreams that are metaphorical and expect you to decipher it. I would have these dreams, I would wake up perplexed and I will brush it aside and say oh its just a dream don't even stress about it. It means nothing. I started to question things a lot more. The things I used to brush away started to bother me. When he did reach out and said something, I would decipher it to mean more than it was. After awhile, a friend said you need to ask the tough questions. I bossed up and asked the tough questions. He didn't respond to me. Eventually one day I got a call from the 700 Club and they said do you have a prayer request. Before I continue, I used to call the 700 club constantly to ask for prayers for him. To ask God to heal his heart, help with his situation, God to touch his soul, turn him over to God. Also to bless our union. Anyways so one day the 700 club called me. And they asked me what my prayer request was. Then I said I am having doubts about this guy I love and I need clarity. The lady immediately said have you heard of soul ties? Oddly enough, my girlfriend had spoken to me about it weeks prior, so I didn't find it a coincidence that she said that because I knew God was using her to speak to me. So she explained to me that she believes that this relationship was an ungodly soul tie. She then prayed to break the soul tie. After I got off the phone with her, I decided to research on soul ties and I realised our relationship was an ungodly soul tie. The sad thing was, it was me that had formed it. Because I was declaring things into existence I had formed this soul tie that was not from God. At that point, I decided to walk away from him, but I had to ask him one last question. I immediately messaged him to ask him the final question that would give me the final push to walk away. To this day he never answered my question. That was all I need a non-response and I just deleted his number, burned our pictures, any prayer requested I had I burned it. I deleted all his emails and every trace of him. Got on my knees, asked for forgiveness and asked God to give me the strength to move on and to heal. That day I was sad, not that I was heartbroken, but more so that another one bites the dust. But that evening I went to the movies with my girlfriends, got home went to sleep and slept like a baby. Woke up the next day and it felt like a burden was lifted. No heartache no nothing. I realised that I had grieved throughout the relationship or whatever it was that when it was over it was a burden lifted.

Do I have any anger towards him? no, Do I resent him? no, do I wish to see him fail? Absolutely not. I want to see him happy, I want to see him win in life. He came into my life to remind me that I am desirable. Even though He was distant, in the beginning, he was lovely. He was caring, thoughtful, put me first. He would tell me I am beautiful. He was my biggest cheerleader. We would sit on the phone for hours. He would let me know every little thing going on in his life. What happened that things changed? I do not know. It wasn't God's will for us. So why should I be mad for something that God didn't ordain and wasn't in His plan? If I get angry and complain that He wasted my time then I am saying that whatever lesson I was supposed to learn was not worth it. At the end of the day, his story ended and I have to move on. If anything at all, I desire being with a good man, a godly man. A man that no matter what he goes through will not pull away but would rather draw closer to me. A man who sees me as his best friend, his partner, his companion, his equal partner. I mean I know that there is the right man out there, but God knows that now I keep telling people, I do not want a man who talks talks talks, I want an action man. Not the Rambo kind of guy but a guy who will do and not just talk. I do not want the good morning text anymore, make my morning worth being a good morning. Show me. I do not want you telling me that I am beautiful, show me that you see me as beautiful. It's all about actions.

Also ladies, and guys, sometimes we want something so bad we overlook seeing the signs. Pay attention to the signs. When someone desires you, they will show, they will make you know, you wouldn't have to fight for it or question it. You will have peace of mind. You will have doubts sometimes but not to the point where you doubt every single day. It will feel right. When you ask the tough questions they won't play Casper the ghost on you; they will man up or woman up and face it head on. You won't question every little thing they say or do because you know in your gut it is right. I remember that even when something didn't' feel right and my gut was telling me it was not right I was confusing it with fear. But yes it was fear, the fear to not face it head on but brushing it aside. I remember I was talking to my cousin and I said that I was stupid that I stayed this long and he told me this. He said to remember that there were days when you felt you had to walk away and then you will get a sign to stay on, well that was God. whatever He was teaching you He wasn't done teaching you. Also, He was protecting you from something else. He said who knows, maybe had you walked away, you would have been feeling vulnerable and there could have been someone you would have walked straight into their arms and they would have been far worse and the damage would have been far more devasting.  Therefore, you had to wait and hold on and at the right time God took you out and you left without any hurt and pain. Without any wonder or question if it was the right thing to do.  Never ever have regrets for what you have gone through because now you are stronger and better and you can smell the bullshit meter a mile away.

It's so weird I kept saying that the guy who I am meant to be with will not say good morning He will show me a good morning. Recently a friend or whatever he has woke me up and wished me good morning. The minute I saw that message I said to myself, he ain't the one. Maybe that is extreme, but I know that right now, I am not going to just sit around and deal with just anything just because I desire marriage and children. The worst thing is to be in a relationship and still feel single. The worst thing is to love someone unconditionally and that person does not even see you. The worst thing is to give your love to someone and he throws it back in your face. All in the name of saying you have someone in your life. Trust me, now the only thing keeping me up is my lack of job, but even then I am not stressing too much about that.  Recently my sister's friend reached out to me and told me that she is praying for me and that I need not worry, God is going to turn my life around. I will soon have a testimony and it will be a good one.

I did ask God that I want my relationship with this man to be a testimony and to have people have their faith renewed in God and well He did answer my prayer. Because now I can use this relationship as a testimony and renew other people's faith and tell them that you are not alone and that God sees you and you are not crazy for loving the wrong man but its time to let go and let God show His glory.  Look I am 34 years old, single, not employed, struggling with an illness. I can easily say I am hopeless but nope I am not. I see myself as blessed. Every day that I wake up to face another day is a blessing and it is bringing me closer to my purpose. My story isn't over, just a chapter ended, do I know where my next chapter is leading me, goodness knows, but trust if God continues to give me breath, I will continue to turn the pages. All I know is that my full trust is in God and only Him. He is my everything. I have everything I need because I have God. everything else He gives me is a bonus, its favour, its blessings, its grace and mercy. So yes, the man I thought was the man I would spend my life with walked away or should I say went Casper on me. I don't even understand why we say people go ghost, at the end of the day Ghost never leave your side. We may not see them but they haunt us. Maybe that's why we say they have gone Ghost, but anyways He is gone, I may never hear or see him again, that's fine. But I know whoever is coming next better come correct. Whilst I wait for him to come, I am going to focus on my God and myself. and besides, they do say that when you are not looking that's when it happens.

Well as I sip on my brandy and write this blog, I'm thankful for my experience, it was a lesson learnt. And I know that God saw me through it all. It brought me closer to God and I know that in all things seek God. He will direct my path. And even though sometimes it seems rough and hard, once you come out of it, you realise that it was a blessing after all.

Well to my fellow single ladies or to those seeking some kind of direction who is in the same boat as me. Stay strong, stay on your knees and pray, have your eyes wide open and pay attention. If it doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't right, but also don't read too much into everything. Lastly, do not give anyone the benefit of the doubt especially when their actions do no reflect one that needs to be given the benefit of the doubt. And if you have to question then you know it ain't right.

Stay blessed and stay loving,

lots of love
xoxo
A.P.W