Love is...

Happy Valentine's Day blogosphere!!!

Apparently, it's the day of love so those in the love business it is their black Friday or should I say black Tuesday. Hotels get sold out, restaurants have full bookings, chocolates are 3 times the price, uber will be surging their prices for sure. And how can I forget the florist, they get sold out. Oh, and every dating website has more people signing up than most days. I even called the 700 club for prayers this morning and there was a wait time which hardly happens. Even Christians are calling for prayers to find partners. Oh best believe by November, God willing the neonatal ward will be filled with newborns. Ohh and how can I forget, pharmacies and corner stores will run out of condoms today. Yes, the day of love is indeed a money making business.

I have never been big on Valentine's day. Yes, I have received chocolates, flowers and cards in the past but never had the full blown experience. A few years ago, I spent Valentine's day in London with my two besties. We would always go out have a nice dinner and just catch up. But it has been awhile since that happened. But ever since moving back to Canada, I would spend valentines day with my girlfriends here watching the all star game but since that is not until Saturday, my sis and I will spend it watching Being Mary Jane eating some dry as salad and pork chops. Honestly, as I get older I have realised that yeah it's nice to get the flowers and all the lovely stuff but honestly, has love lost its meaning? Has it become another marketing stunt for businesses to cash in on? or is it another excuse for individuals to share to the world how perfect their relationships happen to be. I don't know... I'm still figuring it out.

So I started writing this blog last night and to be honest I wasn't inspired to write. Or should I say I had writer's block, so I decided to leave it alone and just wait till I got some clarity. This morning I woke up and my mom as she is so good at doing, sent us her numerous forwards. One of the forwards she had sent to our family group chat had to do with Valentine's day. The history behind it, the essence and what is has become. I will spare you the history on St. Valentine but just a quick summary, he was a man who was preaching on God's love in the Roman Era where it was forbidden to spread the gospel. He was jailed and in jail, the chief jailer was inspired by his preaching and brought his blind daughter Julia to come to Valentinus to learn about God and His love for mankind. Before he was executed, he wrote Julia a letter to let her know how much God loved her and she should continue worshipping God and he signed it from your Valentine. Anyways the Catholic Church decided to honour him with Sainthood martyrdom and commemorate the 14th of Feb because that was the day he was killed to remind Christians of God's love for them and the importance of Christianity. Anyways so then we turned it around and made it seem like it is all about love and history has turned the real story around and made it seem Valentine had a love and he died for his love for this woman when in fact he died for his love of Christ. Now we commemorate Valentine's day as a day for lovers and we spend exorbitant amounts of money on a day that was initially set out to be about spreading God's love.

Now I am not going to go on and preach, I mean yeah we have days we commemorate everything. I mean we have mother's day, father's day, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas and Easter. These are all days set aside to celebrate specific events and I guess to celebrate Valentine's day is not a problem, but the issue is and please disagree with me if you must,  do we need one day out of the year to remember the importance of these events. Do I need mother's and father's day to remember to appreciate my parents? Or birthdays to only remember how important it is to celebrate living to see another year. Easter to remember Jesus died for me. Valentine's day to remember to show my partner love. Why can't we acknowledge these days every day? And I know what I am saying has become a cliche. We hear it all the time but are we letting commercialisation tell us that it is only fitting at these times to honour these special dates?

Anyways as my title is about I am here to talk about what love is. What is love? Is it a feeling we get that makes us all mushy inside? Is it a feeling that makes us want to be around something or someone so much. I love dessert I mean, ask anyone who has gone out to eat with me, they will tell you that the first thing I look at on the menu is the desserts and based on the dessert I want will determine what main I will order.  The question is my love for dessert is just a feeling. It is not sacrificial. I am able to give it up during lent, or when I am being healthy, it is not something I need every single day of my life. I won't risk my health for my love of dessert. It is what it is a feeling. The love I have for my family is a different kind of love. I may not like them all the time but I will lay my life down for them. I love them unconditionally. My love for my family is not a feeling it is an action. It is a verb. It is also a choice. Now I am sure you are like hold up you don't have a choice, you have to love your family. No, I will disagree, talk to someone who has been badly mistreated by their family member or disrespected or a mother or a father who decided to walk away from their family because they did not want to be held responsible for their family. Love is a choice. We can't choose our family but we have a choice to love them and show love. Love is an action, it's something we demonstrate every day. A spouse chooses to love their spouse and when they choose not to love or show love the relationship falls apart. 

I am not an expert on love and I guess I haven't had the opportunity for a man to choose to love me the way I believe I have chosen some men. But, a lot of relationships I believe nowadays may have love in it, but not the kind of love that is sacrificing, that stays through the tough times. The love that is not always pleasant, the love that will make you deal with skid marks in the underwear and the wet towel on the bed. The love where the woman submits to the man and the man loves his wife as Christ loves the church.  I think that we fall in love with the dating in a relationship or the honeymoon stage. Where it is absolute bliss. That person is almost perfect and you are almost perfect for that person. You can't imagine your life without that person. Then life happens, the shoe drops and that perfect relationship isn't so perfect, deaths happen in the family, financial struggle, the hugging and kissing start to wean, Work gets in the way, sometimes children or the lack of children. Pressures and families having opinions. I mean those of you in relationships know the struggle. We forget that life happens and it changes the person you are with. Sometimes a huge tragedy happens and your partner will be transformed by that tragedy. The person you once knew died when that situation happened. Sometimes, you have to relearn your partner again because of what they have gone through. There will be times your partner will not give your love in return and sometimes they will give you more than you can handle. The problem is that especially in these times, we are allowed to walk away if things change. Unlike generations gone, "if it broke you fix it". Nowadays relationships are disposable just like red cups, but some of you wash out the red cups and reuse it but, you will throw away a relationship as soon as it gets hard. We are told it is ok to walk away when things get tough. We don't communicate as much as we do, we let our fears from past relationships get in the way. We push the ones we love the most away because we are afraid we do not measure up their standards. Also, we avoid the red flags from the beginning and we go in thinking things will change and then things get worse and we are forced to walk away after we have invested time, energy, effort and our hearts. Then we walk away bruised and injured and blame the world and say there are no more good people. 

I had the privilege of being in Ghana to celebrate my Grand Aunt's 90th birthday, her husband's 95th birthday and the year before they had celebrated 66 years of marriage. I saw them and I was amazed that they lasted 66 years of marriage. It was not without issues I am sure, I am sure there were days they couldn't stand each other. I am sure they fussed and fought. I am sure there were days they wondered is this even worth it? But then whatever it was, they chose to stay and make it work. They worked through all that life had to offer. I am sure if I had the opportunity to sit down with them, they will share so much with me and why they chose to stay with each other. But I believe that they chose to love each other and stay. They chose to put in the work, they chose to fight and be resilient. They made that choice. They made that choice to stay. A lot of us run at the first sign of trouble. We are told by our friends that there is always better. I mean yes there is but the grass is always greener on the other side but sometimes the grass is fake grass or just looks greener but once you cross over you realise it ain't as green. We are on social media and we see especially on valentine's day people are posting pictures of their significant others. Now in the age of engagement photos and pre-wedding photo shoots, we see these picture perfect relationships and you look at your lacklustre one and you are like oooh I can have that too and you walk away from your relationship only to go out and realize as they say in Ghana "nowhere good" Men are not putting work into relationships anymore because they are spoiled for choice. There are more women than men than before and so if your girl ain't acting right you are forced to go onto the next one. The women are now pursuing the men so the men and forgive me some men have gotten lazy. 

There is an app, which I am sure most of you have heard of, it is called Bumble. So yesterday I was in my feelings and I will admit it, I was missing the guy that I recently walked away from. I was sitting here willing him back in my life, by wishing that there will be a knock on my door and I will open and he will be standing there asking me to give him a chance and he wants us to make it work and he is all in this time. Well once that knock at the door didn't happen I decided to make a knee jerk reaction and join Bumble. I mean it worked for some people I know so why wouldn't it work for me. Now, this is how Bumble works if you do not know, it is like Tinder, you swipe left or swipe right. When you make a match with someone, the women have 24 hours to initiate conversation. Whereas with Tinder if you make a match either one of you can initiate contact. So if you do not message the man in 24hours you lose that match. Whereas the man has 24 hours to respond to that message and if he doesn't respond then he loses the match forever. Now the power is in the man's hands. The man has become the hunted and the woman the hunter. So the men are the prize now. He doesn't have to do anything, he can choose to respond or not. I mean I tried it and I met a few people and we exchanged convos and they seemed cool but then as I was doing my devotionals one of my devotionals jumped out at me that women are to be pursued, not be the pursuers. A man seeks a wife, not a woman seeks a husband. So because of woman's rights we have taken away things that God had instilled and turned around in the name of women's rights.Immediately I deleted the app and I said, no why should I pursue a man. I have nothing against online dating and I won't lie I do have a profile, but on one website I joined all I had to do was put up a profile and the men reached out to me. So why should I be the one to reach out to the guy and pray he responds. Now hold up wait, I am not against women approaching men. I mean if you see someone you like, it doesn't hurt to make yourself noticed, if you are brave enough, you can go up say hi, but I believe that once you have made that first contact, it is up to the man to continue. If by the end of the conversation, he hasn't asked for your number or asked you out on a date or whatever. You should just leave it at that. A man who is interested will find a way to reach out to you. But then if you feel the urge to give him your number and set up a date without him asking you then even if he agrees to go out with you, it will only be because you asked him and does not want to be rude. As I said you can disagree with me if you choose too. I am just going by what I have experienced in my life. I think as women, we need to see our self-worth. We do not need to sling around the "vagine"  to get the attention of a man. I think we do not have to play the huntress. The only thing you should pursue, is your education, your career and most importantly your relationship with God. When it comes to a man, let him pursue it and if you are interested and you both agree to work on it then fine do what you gotta do to work at it. 

We also need to know when to let a relationship go when it's not good for us. If you are in a relationship and as a woman, you feel like you have to chase your man because he keeps pushing you away, have the conversations. If you are not satisfied with what he has to say then honestly make that choice. If you feel like you are drained, you are losing yourself, you are doing everything to keep him happy and he isn't returning it but only taking. You need to evaluate it. At the end of the day male or female, when you are in a relationship and it is not reciprocal and the other person is not willing to reciprocate even after you have addressed it, then you need to know its time to pack your bags, move out and find lodgings elsewhere.

I made a decision this year to look up what a godly spouse is and how to be a godly wife. I looked through the bible and it's amazing how the bible talks about marriage. It is not without trouble but clearly, it is an action we have to take and work on. If I am going to give my love to anyone then I must be ready for all that it has to offer. I need to know that I can't love selfishly. It is not only about what I can get but it is more about what I can give. And vice versa. Love is a lot of work, but it is a beautiful thing. God's love for us is so pure, selfless and it is perfect. I mean we will never be able to give that kind of love but it is something we can try to aspire to. If you love like how Christ intended and your partner loves like how Christ intended you realise that even when times get hard it is easier when you have the kind of love God intends us to have.

I am not an expert in relationships as I have stated, but as I go through life and I am preparing and praying for what Love is.. I am beginning to see how important it is to have Christ by my side, how to be selfless.  Even how I live with my sister will determine my patience and tolerance in my marriage. If I can't live harmoniously with my sister which it can be hard to do sometimes because although we are twins and we grew up in the same household and had the same upbringing we are still very different people. If I can't live with my sister how can I live with a man who is totally different, from a different background and different household. If I can't live and tolerate those closest to me then how can I welcome a husband that, I will have to lay next to him every day, and deal with everything that he has to offer.

Anyways, love is a choice. Love is not a noun but a verb. If we are going to live each day we must learn to love. There were ten commandments in the old testament, but when Christ came he whittled it down to two. Love the Lord your God and love your neighbour. So if that's all Jesus asked us to do, then love is important. If St. Valentine died for his love for God, then love is important. If Romeo and Juliet died for love then it really is important. I can go on and on but I guess you get the point.

Let's not wait for Valentine's day to show love, let's choose to show and act on love daily. From our spouses to the homeless man on the street. Love is powerful, love can start wars and end wars. If you have chosen to love someone then love them wholeheartedly, without selfish intent. Love like that is all we have in this world.

Happy post-Valentine's day people. Wishing you a year of love.

God bless

lots of love

xoxo

A.P.W