Will it ever be normal again or is this a new normal?

Today I just want to say I am drained, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I normally write my blog sitting on the couch with the tv as a background, but for once I needed to get away. I needed to use my bedroom as a haven. My room is the only place that seems normal now. The only place I can escape and be alone and live in a time where things seemed to make sense and normalcy exist. I can live in a world where there are no doctor appointments, lab test, where conversations are not centred around health. My bed envelopes me and makes me feel like it is the safest place in my house.

As I already told you in my last blog post that my father has been ill. Every day, when I wake up I pray to hear movement in the next room. When I hear movement, I can lay my head down and thank God that we have lived to see another day. His illness reminds me that time is really a gift and how life and time can change so quickly.

As a little kid, I saw my parents as superhuman. With the energy of 1000 oxen. Nothing could bring them down. If my parents were ever sick, it was always the flu or at worse malaria. Nothing that a few pills couldn't  get rid of. Within days they were back on their feet.
My dad was always on the move. Going from country to country, city to city, town to town. He has the sharpest mind that I know. He knew every topic, even if he didn't know he was good at bullshitting his way around it. Giving up was never an option.  Impossible was just a word used by lazy and cowardly people. Nothing was unattainable. He is the most positive man I know. If you live in Ghana and never met my dad in person you most likely have heard him on the radio or on tv giving his opinion on some topic. If you ever worked with him you know the kind of boss he was. Difficult but a teddy bear as some of his staff would call him. He loves talking about politics, economics, finance and anything under the sun. I mean my dad to me was invincible.
I look at my father today and I grieve. I grieve for the man that he was, I grieve for the man he has become. This evening after I walked in after going to get his medication, he was just sitting there staring into space. Almost lifeless, occasionally he would stare at me intently and I would wonder what is going through his mind. We keep asking him are you ok and all he will say is that I am ok. I wish he would tell us what is on his mind. I wish he would share his fears, his doubts his worries. I wish I could read his mind. I know he is frightened, I know he is worried. I wish I could put happy thoughts into his mind and get him to be revived.

Am I selfish to say that I wish that this never happened? Am I selfish that I wish they could go back home and everything will return to normal?  Today when I dropped them off home after the doctor's appointment I went to get his medication and I was tempted to drive until I was so far away that I wouldn't have to come back.  A part of me wishes I could sleep this all away and wake up and everything is normal again.

I am a prayerful person and I know my faith is strong and I know that it will get better. I know this is not how his story ends. The doctor told us today that he cannot give any diagnosis just yet but he wants to make sure he rules out all that he is thinking and even if it what he is thinking we shouldn't worry it is treatable, which is a sigh of relief. But then a part of me still can't rest easy.

I know there are others who have been in my shoes, I know there are others whose story didn't end well and there are many others going through far worse, but we can all agree, that grief no matter what form it takes, is difficult to deal with.  Most of the time those who are affected by it crave a time when things made sense when it was normal. The past seems far more appealing than the present. All I know is that I know God is making a way and He is asking us to trust Him, but you know what? At this moment, I wish I could climb onto God's lap and tell Him to tell me when my dad will be his old self or at least a better version of himself. How long will my heart feel this heavy, how long will the tension in my house end? When will my daddy come back to being the daddy I know.

Anyways, I am not asking for pity, I'm not asking for people to tell me that they are sorry this is happening. I don't want to take away from anyone who is going through their own grief. I am writing this blog because I just want people out there who have been through it or are going through it that no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. I know your feelings and emotions because I am living it too. And that my heart goes out to everyone who has ever been in this position or is currently going through it and remember, I'm praying for you and I hope your prayers are being answered just as mine are being answered.

Sending love and light
xoxo
A.P.W